I Hate Your Pity

So just a little over a month into senior year and its the best and worst year of high school so far. Zach broke up with me yesterday after not talking to me for over a week, on facebook. Just changed his relationship status to single without saying anything to me. I feel like I'm going to die. I love him so much and it's so hard to face the rest of this year without him :[ but I do have so much going on. I'm co-directing the freshman play this year at my school and I have college applications to finish and 2 auditions, one at SUNY Purchase and the other at the Berklee College of Music. I'm pretty nervous buy my teacher says I'm going to do fine. I'm singing Monster by Meg & Dia, the acoustic version. One of my bestest friends is coming home from college tomorrow for a few days and I'm SOOOOO excited to see him again. We're prolly gonna go out and party this weekend XD hehe I'm really excited. So anyway, ugh broken hearts suck, I spent most of today in tears but I mean, he treated me like shit towards the end. I miss him so much though... :[

If I had known 2 1/2 months ago what being in love was going to be like, I probably would've been torn in half over what to do. Because most of the time, it's pure bliss. Everythings good, he treats me like no one has ever treated me. He holds me when I cry, and cheers me on when I'm trying something new. But then there's times like these. When I'm sitting at home alone on a saturday night with the company of stir-fry and a movie that I'm watching for a paper for school. And he's off at college meeting new people, hanging out with other girls, loving life and I feel like a fucking housewife. Cleaning the house getting ready for my sister and her kids to come stay for a month and a half, doing and folding laundry, doing homework. I hate these moments. If this is what the rest of my life is going to be like, always a step behind, never the same active social life, then fuck it. I'm not getting married. Fuck settling down. But then again, I love him so much and I would give anything to be with him forever. I probably sound like an idiot ranting like this but I needed someplace to vent. And sure, I'm going to spend the entire day on campus with him, but I still feel second rate to him. I mean, here I am, still in high school, struggling before school even starts to get papers done for my senior elective english class. Trying to decide if I'm going to college or not. Probably not, Coast Guard here I come. Trying to be as much of an adult as he is, Mr. College Freshman. Makes friends with everyone he meets. Doesn't realize how much it hurts when he forgets to call when he says he's going to call. Doesn't answer my texts. It's not even like I'm being overbearing. We texted back and forth this morning as he was getting ready to move in. I called to check in this afternoon, see how he was adjusting, he called to let me know that he was going to pick up some things at walmart, 4 hours ago. I call, left him a voicemail, figuring he was just busy, sent him a text letting him know that I loved him. Finally called again 2 hours later and he was too busy to talk for more than 2 mins. Promising a call when he was done at this short orientation thing in about an hour. Lets see if he actually calls. If this is what it's going to be like, I'm in for a stressful year.

Whew. Now that the summer is coming to a close I'm realizing how incredible it was. From my very first day of summer vacation I've been so happy with my life. My current boyfriend asked me out after picking me up from my last test of junior year and we've been crazy in love ever since. Looking back at the weeks before I cannot believe how much of a turnaround this summer has been. I went to the outerbanks with Zach (the boyfriend :] ) and I've learned the meaning of true friendship. I missed warped this year because of my trip to obx but I got to talk to John Ohhh and Pat from The Maine (AHHHHHHHH!!!!) and Craig Owens from Chiodos (EVEN MORE AHHHHHH!!!!!!!!) thanks to my awesome friends. Maybe we didn't spend as much time hanging out around town this summer as we did last but the memories from this summer are just as amazing as last. It seems like everyone is finally really growing up and getting a handle on life. Last summer the drama was almost unbearable everything was so insan. This year has been a lot more laid back. Lots of driving around at first until Zach totaled his car on the highway (everyone was okay). For most of July I spent almost every night hanging out in CVS parking lot watching my friends longboard around and just soaking up the summer nights. I've learned how to deal with my boyfriends overly clingy and needy best friend and how to cut off friendships that just weren't healthy. I've gained a bunch of friends and I lost some friends. But I think that this summer was totally worth it. I'm so happy with everything right now and so so so ready to get senior year started. My classes are amazing and I'm so excited to rock this year. The end of the month is coming up fast and I'm getting ready to say good-bye to so many people. My best guy friend Patrick leaves for school on saturday and my boyfriend leaves the following weekend. My friends Sam and Amanda are leaving or have already left and there's so many more. This is probably one of the hardest parts of growing up. Learning to say good-bye. Lucky for me Zach is going to school 45 mins away from me so we'll still get to see eachother on the weekends and winter break is from thanksgiving to halfway through January. I'm so excited to graduate next year and start my life.

(clockwise; Shane, Me, Patrick, Celine, Chris, Zach)

so this summer is not turning out how i imagined it at all. i've been having a lot of problems with friends lately and school is driving me nuts. so my mom and my therapist decided today that i have to get away this summer and i'm going to one of two places. both are in bumblefuck nowhere. the first is i might be going to south carolina to live with my aunt and uncle for a few weeks, aka slave labor camp on their farm. or two i'm getting shipped up to kodiak alaska to live with my sister her husband and two kids. i suppose alaska would be pretty neat. i've been to south carolina before and idk. its not that fantastic. all their neighbors drive around in pickup trucks with gun racks in them. i don't fit in with rednecks so well...they scare me =] . alaska sounds fun cause its way different than anywhere i've ever been before. the only thing is that the only kind of store thats legit up there is wal-mart. and apparently its no bigger than the cvs thats near me. thats pretty freakin tiny. buttt the beaches are really cool and theres wild buffalo up there and whales. pretty cool...

 

but at least i only have 2 tests left this week and then i'm done with junior year. i can't wait to put this year behind me.

people have tried, but you can't break me down. only one person has ever come close to breaking my heart and he lives in aussie now. it takes a lot to hurt me, don't bother trying. and just because i sent one annoying message, you break up with me? seriously grow up and get over it. you can't cut off everyone that annoys you, sorry life dosen't work like that. anyway, i'm moving on, going to a party tonight. gonna enjoy the people who actually matter in my life. and maybe patch things up with patrick.

track is seriously wearing me out. i went from doing jackshit everyday after school to running a minimum of half a mile five days a week. this is the last time i let anyone ever talk me into doing a sport. i learned a valuable lesson at track today, do NOT leave my ipod in my gym locker when i'm at track because if i'm listening to my ipod during warmups, i don't realize quite how retarted my friends are and i don't make a total ass out of myself in front of the entire varsity lax team. we decided to start screaming "YOU'RE JUST A CUPCAKE LOVER" while running today, and i'm pretty sure everyone thinks we've completely lost our minds, its all good tho. at least i don't run like i'm having a seizure or better yet, i don't lean over while i'm running. this one girl on the team is a total spaz, amazing runner but incredibly irritating. so the other day when celine ariel and i were walking out of the gym to the track it suddenly occured to me, she looks like the ugly baby dinosaur puppet on that old show dinosaurs! http://i54.photobucket.com/albums/g90/alexisknox/300px-BabySinclair.jpg . okay not gonna lie i was a little off on that one, but still, when i look at her, thats what i see, no joke. track may just be the most entertaining thing tho. theres a little stream by the track and the other day walking back to the school after practice we saw two ducks and decided that the male was scene cause he had green and purple and brown and white feathers, and the female was emo cause she was all dark. yes these are the things my friends and i think about, scene and emo ducks. sarajane and i were laughing so hard in math today ariel and kelly were like Mrs. P, i think jaymee is having a seizure... i was crying i was laughing so hard, and to be completely honest, i don't even remember what was so funny. maybe amanda was saying or doing something retarted like she always does. LOVE THAT GIRL. even tho i've been feeling a little down these last few days, things have been going really well for me. i have the bestest friends ever <3 . oh and kyles pretty cool himself... ;]

 

 

 

things could not get more complicated or stressful right now. theres a war going on between my friends and now there are three sides and of course i'm friends with all three sides and i'm trying really hard not to get involved but of course i always feel the need to comfort my friends and give them advice (because for once i'm not centered in the drama) but this is taking its toll on me. because person 1 keeps telling me how she can't be friends with people 2 and 3. and i'm friends with person 2 and person 3's boyfriend is one of my best friends even if i can't stand her. and person 1 is stressing me out so much because no matter how many times i tell her that i don't want to be involved, i keep getting the messages. i don't want to be involved. i don't want to hear about the myspace comments and whatever else is being said. and then of course theres the message that i recieved on thursday which threw me off quite a bit but i was really happy and whatnot and of course my friends were all a little weirded out and sorry but i was too. and don't get me wrong i'm really happy that i got that message, but honestly yer never even online, so last night my friends started to make me think, whats the point? and i don't want to end things but it almost seems like they're pressuring me to. i wish everyone and everything would just go away.

 

 

i'm done for now.

"Silent Film"

My heart is on the floor

These regrets are weighing me down

Flashbacks flood the eyes of my mind

These things will never leave me

The memories of you and me are worse than torture

They play like a never ending reel of silent film

Over and over again until I see nothing at all

Guilt holds me back

Moving on is impossible

It's just not plausible

But as my lips touch his

The movies go black and the memories fade to nothing

You don't matter anymore

 

 

chyea you know i wrote it   =]

so i'm finally home. took the train home from boston this morning and got home around an hour ago. its so good to be sitting in my own warm house. staying with my cousins was really fun but what dorothy says is true, "there's no place like home". haha okay i'm done being corny. i went and saw gran torino with my cousins on sunday night and then went to harvard square for ice cream which was really fun. i cried at the end of the movie it was so good. and then monday i went to quincy market and then went and saw slumdog millionare. also such a good movie. tuesday i went on a tour of emerson college which was pretty cool. the theatres there are soooo cool. i think i'd rather go to suffold university though. anyway i went up to salem town yesterday which was about the coolest/cheesiest place ever. we went to this crap-ass witch museum which was just downright hysterical. and then we made a cookie run to this amazing little cafe called cafe crema in harvard square. it was probably one of the best vacations i've been on in a long time and i'm super pumped to go back in april.

Scene Kid

[x] You know what sXe and hXc actually mean.

[x ] You have a obsession with dinosaurs, robots, and/or Pokemon.

[ ] You idolize Jeffree Starr

[x] People have called you scene before.

[ ] You spend at least an hour getting ready to take pictures of yourself

[x] You have a mirror pic

[x] You enjoy going to shows

[ ] You only go to shows for the sake of going to shows, not the music.

[x] Your hair is multicolored.

[x] You accessorize your hair with kiddie barrettes and bows.

[ ] Fashion is one of the most important things that define you.

[x] You mosh. Sometimes.

[ ] You often mix vintage with modern.

[x] Your picture captions are sad lyrics to sad songs.

[x] All of your friends are scene.(well not quite all. but about 99.9% haha)

[x] You don't know many of the people on your friends list in person. Uh oh.

[x] You take angled pictures of yourself.

[x] You enjoy photography. It's cool. Get over yourself.

Total: 13

 

Prep

[ ] You pop the collar

[ ] You wont go near the Goths.

[ ] You own at least one thing from a designer store.

[x] You are very clean cut.

[ ] You are squeamish

[ ] People have called you preppy before.

[x] You never leave the house without putting on cologne/perfume

[ ] You have a lot of money.

[x] You know who LC is.

[x] You watch shows like The OC, The Real World, The Hills, and Laguna Beach.

[ ] One favorite stores are Abercrombie & Fitch or American Eagle Outfitters.

[ ] You're afraid to set foot into Hot Topic Maybe a little.

[ ] (Girls) You carry a purse wherever you go. I have my license, it's a good idea to do that.

[ ] You need to wake up at least an hour before school so you can get ready.

[x](Girls) You do not leave the house without make up.

[ ] You are content overall with how your life is going.

Total: 5

 

Band Geek

[x] You have played an instrument before.

[ ] You still play an instrument.

[x] You are/were in regular Band.

[ ] You are/were in Jazz Band.

[ ] You are/were in Marching Band

[ ] You've never dated anybody outside of Band.

[ ] Most of your friends are in band.

[ ] The band room/band hall is your second home.

[ ] You enjoy listening to classical music on occasion.

[ ] You aspire(d) to be a Drum Major.

[ ] You've made out with somebody on a band bus or at a band competition.

[ ] You have trouble getting your non-band friends to go near the band room.

[ ] Band is your favorite class. Far from it! Haha

[] You have been to band camp.

[ ] You walk in step with all your friends.

[ ] You talk about band constantly.

[ ] You know that American Pie has got it all wrong.

[ ] You rap music.

[ ] Marching Season is your favorite time of year.

[ ] When you go to football games, you don't really pay attention to the game itself.

[ ] Your favorite jokes are band jokes.

[ ] You know it's not about the bloods and the crips: it's the brass and the woodwinds.

Total: 2

 

Theatre Geek

[x] You have seen a school play.

[x] You have seen a Broadway musical

[x] You like to act.

[x] You have participated in a school play.

[x] You have participated in a play outside of school

[ ] You have gone to the Thespian Conference (State or International or both)

[x] You get P'ed off when people make that thespian, did you say lesbian?

[ ] You have been stage crew/lighting/etc

[x] You know that you cannot touch anybody else's props.

[ ] You have played in the pit orchestra for a musical.

[x] You have been to a cast party.

[ ] You are in a thespian troupe.

[x] You often sing show tunes at the top of your lungs.

[x] You know who Idina Menzel and Johnathan Larson are

[x] @ one point in your life, you were obsessed with RENT.

[x] You do not have a personal bubble.

[ ] You actually understand Shakespeare.

[x] You know how to put on stage make up.

[ ] You have been a lead.

[ ] You met a lot of your better friends through theatre.

Total: 14

 

Overachiever

[ ] You participate in a lot of extracurricular activities.

[ ] You have a part-time job.

[ ] You have straight As.

[ ] You are in mostly honors/IB/AP classes.

[ ] You do not procrastinate.

[ ] You have scored a 5 on an AP test.

[x] You do not have very much down time.

[ ] You are very organized.

[x] You always have a thousand things going on at once.

[ ] You are in a long-term relationship.

[ ] You aspire to get into an Ivy League School.

[ ] In your extracurriculars, you hold leadership positions.

[ ] You are/were on Student Council.

[ ] You are/were the class president.

[ ] You are/were a class officer.

[ ] You are/were the Salutatorian for your class.

[ ] You are/were the Valedictorian for your class.

[ ] People have told you that you didn't have a life.

[ ] You are getting/have already received the IB Diploma. [which is?]

[ ] You cry when you get anything lower than an A on anything

Total:  2

 

Slacker

[x]Your grades are slipping.

[x] You always wait until the last minute to do big projects.

[x] You do a lot of things half-assed.

[x] You are an overall procrastinator.

[x] You tend to do your homework when you're watching TV.

[x] It takes you ages to turn your job applications in.

[ ] You are often late to school/work.

[x] You don't turn in a lot of your work.

[x] You spend the majority of your time watching TV, or going on the computer when you could be doing something more productive.

[x] You sleep in past noon on the weekends and during the summer.

[ ] You do not get out of your pajamas unless you have to leave the house.

[ ] You could walk, but you'll just drive.

[x] You have fallen asleep during class before.

[ ] Friends have called you lazy.

[ ] Life is hard when you lose the remote & you have to walk a million miles over to the TV and change the channel.

[ ] When you hang out with your friends, the majority of your time is spent playing video games or doing something where neither of you have to stand up.

[ ] You have eaten an entire pint of ice cream in one sitting.

[ ] You have sat through an entire running marathon of a show before.

Total: 10

 

Goth

[x] Your wardrobe consists of mostly black things.

[x] When you have the money, you shop at Hot Topic

[x] You have/want to get a tattoo. ( I WANT TOO)

[x] You have/want to get a piercing.

[x] You don't get along with your parents.

[x] You have/want to dyed/dye your hair an exotic color.

[ ] You've styled your hair in liberty spikes.

[x] Sometimes you ponder the meaning of life

[x] You like to write dark poetry.

[ ] You are into S&M.

[ ] You have a pair of oversized black pants.

[x] At one point in your life, you liked Foamy, Happy Bunny, Emily the Strange, and the Happy Tree Friends.

[ ] You listen to grunge.

[ ] You have/had a messenger bag with buttons up and down the straps.

[ ] You smoke cigarettes.

[ ] You will only date other Goths.

[x] You don't really care what people think about you.

[x] You like black makeup & nail polish.

Total: 11

 

 

Nerd

[ ] You actually study for tests and quizzes.

[ ] You have straight As.

[ ] You haven't had any luck with the opposite sex.

[ ] You are into WoW, Magic Cards, and Halo.

[ ] You overanalyze jokes to the point where they aren't funny anymore.

[ ] Your mom buys your clothes for you.

[x] You actually answer the questions in class.

[ ] You sit front row center in all of your classes to get the best learning experience.

[ ] You miss school during the summer.

[ ] You wear your pants at your waist.

[ ] You prefer sweatpants to jeans.

[ ] You have a pocket protector in your shirt with pens and a calculator in it.

[ ] You let cute boys/girls take advantage of you & copy your homework in hopes of getting noticed.

[x] You've noticed some of the spelling and grammar mistakes in this survey.

[ ] People always cheat off you during tests.

[ ] Parents pack your lunch for you every day.

[ ] You wear/should be wearing glasses.

Total: 2

 

Garage Band Junkie

[x] You play the guitar. (kinda)

[x] You have been in a garage band before.

[ ] You're still in a garage band.

[ ] You think your band is going to make it big someday.

[ ] You play shows almost weekly.

[ ] You play the drums

[x] You sing/sang vocals for a band.

[x] You write your own lyrics.

[ ] You spend hundreds on amps and microphones.

[ ] Your band has a page.

[ ] You have been in multiple garage bands.

[ ] You have changed the name of your band at least twice.

[x] You have participated in a battle of the bands

[ ] Your band has been signed.

[x] You have taken guitar classes at school.

[ ] You have played at the same venue multiple times.

[x] You would rather make it big than have to go to college.

[x] You have musical talent.

[ ] You have groupies.

[ ] Youve made t-shirts and other apparel for your band.

Total: 8

 

Gangstaaa

[ ] You actually are black.

[x] You know who the bloods and the crips are

[ ] You wear doo-rags.

[ ] You actually grew up in the ghetto.

[ ] You can freestyle.

[x] You drive down the street blaring your music. [but it isn’t rap. XD]

[ ] Your ride is pimped out with stereo boosts.

[ ] You can break dance.

[ ] You say nigga a lot.

[x] You talk too fast for people to understand you.

[ ] You are pretty chill with life.

[ ] You wear your jeans oversized and below your ass.

[ ] Old school rap is the best.

[ ] You know that Tupac will never die.

[ ] You wear bling.

[ ] You have/want a custom grill.

[ ] You have custom rims on your tires.

[ ] You are actually in a gang.

[ ] You are always big pimpin

Total: 3

 

Emo

[x] You often have trouble convincing people that you aren't emo.

[x] You comb your hair over one of your eyes.

[x] You flip your hair often.

[ ] You have dark-rimmed glasses.

[x] You have hurt yourself on purpose.

[ ] If you're a boy, people often complain about your pants being too tight.

[ ] You don't really smile too often.

[x] You blog often.

[x] You never smile in pictures.

[ ] You listen to Thursday and/or Sunny Day Real Estate.

[ ] You're too much of a to be a goth (Is there a word missing from this?)

[x] You own a lot of band t-shirts.

[x] You go to a lot of shows. [mostly local]

[x] It doesn't take very much to make you cry.

[ ] You have played all the Emo Games

[x] You have worn black eyeliner before

[ ] You own a bandana in which you wear in your hair

[x] You have dark hair.

[x] You love the emo song

[x] You say stuff like "I feel like my heart's being ripped out."

Total: 13

 

Skatepunk

[ ] You own a skateboard.

[ ] You have been skateboarding since you were in grade school.

[ ] You have gotten many injuries from skateboarding.

[x] You know that World Industries and Element aren't just clothing lines.

[ ] You have vandalized public property.

[ ] You have TPed/egged somebody's house before.

[x] You have been yelled at for loitering.

[ ] You have gotten in trouble with the cops.

[x] You listen to punk rock.

[ ] Chicks on skateboards are hot.

[x] You stick it to the man.

[ ] You own skater shoes.

[ ] You watch MTV2, not MTV.

[x] You enjoy crude humor.

[x] Screw school, lets do crazy stuff

[x] You know that there are other pro skaters out there besides Tony Hawk.

[ ] You pretty much live at the skate park.

[ ] Hygene does not concern you.

[x] Skater boys are attractive.

Total: 8

 

Metalhead

[x] Most people are scared of your music.

[x] A lot of the bands you like have violent names/titles/lyrics.

[ ] You hate emo kids.

[x] You have gotten kicked out of a public place multiple times before.

[ ] Slipknot isn't really metal.

[x] You appreciate really good guitarists of any genre.

[x] You hate pop and rap.

[x] You spend all your money on music-related stuff.

[ ] Scene kids are fun to laugh at. L

[x] You will become friends with anyone if they like the same bands.

[x] You curse a lot.

[ ] You can name at least five subgenres of metal.

[x] You wore black converses before they became emo.

[ ] At least one of your favorite bands thinks they're vikings.

[x] You also like classic rock, such as Led Zeppelin and Pink Floyd.

Total: 10

"Seperate Ways" (January 12, 2009)

Hand in hand we stand

With our lives hanging in the balance

Souls caught at a crossroad

Jump off this cliff

Or walk precariously on the edge

I turn from you and jump

My body soaring through the air

Into the foggy unknown

You walk alone down the path

Tell me love what its like

To reach your own fake sunset cold and alone

 

yup. another poetry fail =]

40 or more means you're spoiled)
 
[] A cell phone
[X] a hair straightener
[] your own computer
[ ] your own car
[] good grades
total :1
 

[ ] chanel/dior sunglasses/glasses/gucci
[ ] burberry purse
[ ] A boyfriend/girlfriend/talking to someone
[] a curling iron
total: 0

[ ]every fall out boy cd
[X] something from american eagle
[ ] something from abercrombie
[X ] something from hot topic
[X] a pet
total: 3

[X] some type of trophy/award
[ ] Full/Queen size bed
[ ] King size bed
[X ] an iPod nano or regular mp3 player
[ ] a jersey from a professional team
total: 2

[ ] more than $100
[X] a radio/cd player
[ ] Monster,Full Throttle,Amp,Etc. In Your Fridge
[ ] something related to Green Day
[ ] xanga
total: 1

[X] myspace
[X] make-up
[] a desk in your room
[ ] a hill in your backyard
[] DDR (DVR)
total: 2

[ ]a pair of skis
[X] alarm clock
[] a pair of ice skates
[ ] rollerblades
[ ] treadmill
total: 1

[ ] your own phone line (not including cell phone)
[X] AIM
[ ] Yahoo!
[ ] MSN
[ ] ICQ
total: 1

[X] perfume/cologne
[X ] bath and body works lotion
[X] necklaces & bracelets
[X]a journal/diary online
[X] toothbrush
total: 4

[ ] yogurt & peaches in your fridge
[ ] iPod Touch or iPod Video
[ ] a birthday in january
[ ] a famous relative
[X] a relative that lives in a different state OR country
total: 1

[X] a disowned relative
[ ] an electric scooter
[ ] your own bathroom
[ ] your own band
[X] any rock band shirts
total: 2

[ ] gamecube
[X] a guitar
[ ] a hammock
[X] a basketball hoop
[ ]a soccer net
total: 2

[X] a bike
[ ] a mini van
[X] a relative that lives in Florida
[ ] a vc andrews book
[X] a friend who does alcohol/drugs/smokes {how does this mean ur spoiled againn?!}
total: 3

[X] bad grades
[X] a locker at school
[ ] a baby
[ ] a pet chimpanzee
[ ] sparkly blue nail polish
total: 2

[ ] a "vote for pedro" tshirt/hoody
[ ] the movie "the 40 year old virgin"
[ ] a promise ring
[ ] a pool table
[ ] swimming pool
toal: 0

[] Trampoline
[ ] livejournal
[X] flip flops
[ ] steve madden shoes
[X] the sims 2
total: 2

[] a ping pong table
[ ] air hockey table
[X] a basement
[X] converses
[ ] construction paper
total: 2

[X] markers, crayons, etc
[ ] coloring books
[X] a nice singing voice
[ ] XBOX
[ ] PS2
[ ] PSP
[ ] PS
total: 2

[ ]Wii
[ ] rose red movie
[ ] wife beaters
[X] VCR/DVD
[X] a mom or a dad
[X]an older brother(s)
total: 3

[X] an older sister(s)
[] a younger brother
[ ] a younger sister
[X] a sled
[X] a lake/pond/creek near my house
[X] friends who u love
total:4

Overall total: 35

"Jump" (January 6, 2009)

Eyes peering over the edge watching the water rushing below

I breathe in deep knowing that all it takes

Is to let my feet leave the ground

Pacing across this ledge

Holding my life in my hands I think of reasons to stay

A smile and a friendly hello pass by me

They're just enough to change my mind

Suddenly I trip over a rock on the edge

Before I know it I'm falling so fast

I didn't even get to say good-bye

With my last breath I scream out to you

Thank you for trying to save me

But you were too late

I've already drowned

 

 

ehh. not my best. but its okay i guess.

how do i explain how i feel without sounding like i'm whining? i mean i'm trying hard not to but c'mon it isn't easy. i pretty much had my heart broken this week. now one of my best friends isn't speaking because i complained about my dad again. but whatever i mean what does it matter how i feel anyway? break was pretty boring. i just kinda half heartedly partied with a bunch of my closest friends and moped around my house. on the up side, i got the sickest bracelet from my brother for christmas yesterday. its made entirely out of glass. it has a black band and white spikes on the sides. its on my profile go check it out. i also went shopping with my return money from these slightly horrible sweaters my cousin gave me. she took one look at me, looked at her husband and says ohh no we should've gone to hottopic. so i returned the sweaters and got $40. so i went to hottopic of course. =] i got a really cute necklace, earrings, sparkley liquid liner, eyeshadow. and then i got another pair of skinnies for 15 bucks at pacsun =D. good day haha. tomorrow i'm going with ariel and kelly to the glamour kills holiday concert in poughkeepsie. then back to school on monday. i'm not sure how i'm feeling about going back to school because i am in serious need of more social interaction than i've had over break. i just got the funniest bumper sticker from ariel on facebook. "the best way to get over someone, is to get under someone else". i'm dying here hahahahaha. so i've been thinking more and more about how badly i need to get out of this town. i've been here my whole life and i really need a change of scenery. new people new house new everything. the only thing i don't want to change is myself. so i've decided to start posting some of my poetry so here goes...

"Nights" (December 30, 2008)

My body aches late at night

As I lay awake in my bed

Thinking of how badly

I want to feel the warmth of another person

Pressed against me and holding me tight

Taking away my fear and sadness

And as long as I feel you next to me

I think of how badly you've hurt me

Stupid me can't stop thinking those stupid maybe's

I want this all to just stop

I want it all to go away

its been awhile. not too much has been going on. throughout this weekend i've learned what it really means to say sorry. as one of my good friends pointed out, yer not sorry unless you promise you'll never do it again. so like my status says, "sometimes apologizing takes more than just saying i'm sorry". i've made a lot of promises lately and i really hope that i can keep them. i was thinking last night before bed about how i never take the time to enjoy my surroundings any more. so i decided to go hiking to my favorite place in the world. the ravine. so i packed up my moms camera (i still don't have a new one since i drowned mine over the summer =[  ) and i set out. i wish i could show everyone the beauty of the ravine. it is absolutley breath taking. i guess i never really realized how fast paced my life was until today when i took the time out of my schedule to just "stop and smell the roses". anyway. i've been given a few new prespectives on life and how i need to stop more often this weekend. we put up our christmas tree tonight. i can't say i was that excited. i just haven't really been getting into the whole christmas decorating and being happy for the holidays. all i can see this year is all the fake. the people being fake happy and fake nice to eachother. the fake christmas trees. i suppose maybe i'm just being pessimistic but it just seems like everyone gets all hyped up for just another day in the year where they get to be supposedly unselfish but really in their minds they're thinking oh i really hope i get this $120,000 gift. (granted i'm exaggerating) but it seems like all anyone ever cares about anymore is the price tags on their gifts. i won't lie, i too have gotten caught up in the whole getting gifts thing but as i was walking and thinking today it occured to me that what i really want for christmas this year isn't the new straightener or camera, but to know that someone loves me. and i don't mean my parents because thats a general given. it would just be nice to know that someone out there truly cares about me. don't get me wrong, i know a few people who do, but its just not the same. i'm looking foward to the break next week. i really hope that it snows sometime soon. oh yeah i'm really excited for friday cause i'm going with ariel and kelly to the glamour kills holiday concert in poughkeepsie to see every avenue the morning light and a bunch of other people that don't matter to me quite as much =]. it should be a lot of fun. and i'm finishing up dying my hair tonight. i got it cut yesterday and it looks really cute. i dyed the black in earlier and so now i just have to bleach the streaks for the blue and blonde. i'm really excited to see how it turns out, my dads probably gonna shit when he sees the blonde cause previously i had a semi-crappy one streak of blue-green in my bangs but i'm going a bit more all out this time. i don't really want to go to school tomorrow. i'm supposed to have memorized my monolouge for acting, but i only know the first maybe 4 lines? i'm not sure if i'm performing but i wouldn't want to take my chances. i'm so tired lately i just need to take a mental health day, which i'm seriously considering asking my mom if i can do maybe next tuesday seeing as how we probably won't do anything that day because thats the day before break and i really could use the extra day of sleep. anyway. thats all i can think of to say right now. maybe something will come to mind tomorrow. in the meantime, ciao!

 

xoxo Jaymee

wow. i am so greatful for weekends. after a really bad week, friday night recharged me so much. getting to hang out with robbie was such a treat because i ususally only get to see him on wednesdays. even though it was rainy and nasty, we still made the most of our night and drove around town and went out to get pizza. and then yesterday i got to take a girls day with celine and ariel and we went up to target to buy stuff for our Operation Christmas Child boxes. its such a cool thing to do. you get a shoe box, pick out a gender and age group and fill the box up with little things to give kids for Christmas. its really  neat because yer box gets sent to some of the poorest countries of the world to help to spread the word of faith and goodness. after that ariel and i went to our friend janessas sweet sixteen. i had so much fun. it was really low key but still, being surrounded by awesome people just made the whole night so worth it. we belted out The Maine and Paramore and Miley Cyrus' 7 Things. =D. yesterday i got the 2008 Warped Tour CD so i've been listening to it pretty much non-stop. so many good bands! i've been kind of a homebody today. i went to church and played some hacky sac, then i went grocery shopping. other than that i've been sitting at home reading, doing homework and catching on update videos from The Maine. really hoping that this week goes better than last. my mom goes into the city for her 10 year appointment since shes had cancer tomorrow and so far everythings been good. i can't believe its been 10 years already.

whats one thing in yer life that yer greatful for?

 

xoxo Jaymee

 

me and janessa <3 ^^^

its been a bad week. there's no denying it. so this morning as i'm walking from first to second period i passed my friend kara in the hall and she had a bouquet of flowers in her arm and she stops me and hands me a carnation. that simple little gesture made everything seem okay for a little while. so i carried it around with me all day long and whenever i would get down i would smell the flower and things would be okay again. choir today was good though. cause i got to sing a duet with this girl over the song Danny Boy. which was awesome. i love duets! and then we got a free period instead of chorale cause vocal jazz was meeting instead. but those 2 ups didn't cancel out the fact that i probably bombed my french test. =[. oh well. tomorrows friday. and i need it really badly!

 

xoxo Jaymee

 

i don't know what her problem is. i just don't get it. kelsey essentially told me this afternoon that i wasn't worth her time. so i guess that this is goodbye. J.A.C.K is officially dissolved. this is just fantastic. because i really needed this bullshit on top of everything else thats going on. i just love when friends decided that they don't like you anymore and just take off. and i pretty much completely fucked up my noteables audition so i can say good-bye to any chance at ever getting in. no good is happening in my life right now. it sucks a lot. i just wish that for once in my life something good would happen and things would just go my way. just once. everything just sucks right now. i want to just get out of here. get away from everybody and everything. maybe things will actually go okay if i'm not in this stupid little town anymore.

 

Jaymee

okay. so i just found out a little while ago that thursday november 13th the second annual "to write love on her arms" day is happening. the following i took from the facebook event.

*ANYONE ANYWHERE ANYTIME ANY COUNTRY ANY CITY ANY MAN AND WOMAN EVERYONE EVERYWHERE CAN WRITE LOVE ON THEIR ARMS, TAKE 5 SECOND TO WRITE IT THATS IT, DONE!**


On November 13 write LOVE on your arm in big letters. Be creative spread the word. This is for all the survivors and all the innocent. All of the people who are hurting and who think that suicide is the only way they can turn. Also, dont forget to donate so all of the kids in need can get the help that they deserve.

please please take part in this because it seems like not that big of a deal, but i have friends that have suffered from depression and cutting. it only takes a few seconds to do, and you may not know it, but someone could notice and realize that they are loved. and to know that you are loved is one of the most powerful and healing things.

http://www.twloha.com/index.php

thanks guys!

 

xoxo Jaymee

so tonight was actually the most fun i've had in a long time. it started out after school when ariel celine and i went to this stupid little town by our school and ariel got her hair cut and then we all went home. and then like an hour and a half later we all met up at my house and my mom drove us with ariels mom to this photo show that ariel was in and it was pretty cool. then we decided that we needed to go out to dinner, so we sat in my car for a good 20 mins discussing where we were going to eat. we wound up agreeing on this place in ANOTHER stupid little town, both of these towns we felt very out of place in, and we went and ate dinner. that hour or two that we sat at the table were so much fun. i haven't laughed that hard in forever. on our way back to the car ariel celine and i were talking about art and we were walking past this group of guys sitting outside of baskin robbins and i was saying something about a cats feet being painted and one of the guys goes "cats feet?" and as we continued down the sidewalk celine goes "CATS FEET?" and i yelled and at that moment we walked past ANOTHER group of guys and they screamed in responce. the three of us were laughing so hard. and then we sang chorus songs the rest of the way home and watched the shadows of the trees go by above us. all in all it was a good night and it took my mind of off all the stress that i've been under. i really gotta say how grateful i am to have ariel and celine as friends. who else could i be stupidly crazy with walking down the street? anyway. hoping that there are more nights like tonight to come!

 

xoxo Jaymee